Dharma Seed

After previous retreats gave me a taste of the joy, love, and freedom that practice can bring, I wanted to see what would happen with sustained intensive practice. I spent two months on retreat in the California mountains, practicing six to ten hours daily. What I expected: deeper jhana access, maybe some insight stages, perhaps a taste of awakening. What I got: a fundamentally different relationship with my emotional body, direct experience of the plural nature of mind, and a reorientation away from transcendence toward embodiment. The tent I slept in for two months. The retreat was held in a beautiful mountain scenery in California.

After two months on a silent retreat in the California mountains, I left two weeks early – not because of what I discovered about my mind, but because of what I discovered about my teacher. I’m writing this for anyone considering intensive practice with a teacher, and for anyone who has felt confused by dynamics with somebody in a position of authority they couldn’t name. The Setup A two-month silent retreat is a significant commitment. No reading, no writing, no contact with the outside world. Your teacher becomes your only external reference point. I knew this going in, so I vetted carefully. The teacher was welcoming and accommodating. He seemed sensitive to my concerns about undertaking such a long retreat while carrying childhood trauma. He gave space. He listened. Everything felt right. What I didn’t understand then is that this is often how it begins.