After two months on a silent retreat in the California mountains, I left two weeks early – not because of what I discovered about my mind, but because of what I discovered about my teacher. I’m writing this for anyone considering intensive practice with a teacher, and for anyone who has felt confused by dynamics with somebody in a position of authority they couldn’t name. The Setup A two-month silent retreat is a significant commitment. No reading, no writing, no contact with the outside world. Your teacher becomes your only external reference point. I knew this going in, so I vetted carefully. The teacher was welcoming and accommodating. He seemed sensitive to my concerns about undertaking such a long retreat while carrying childhood trauma. He gave space. He listened. Everything felt right. What I didn’t understand then is that this is often how it begins.
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