The Onion

ROLAND, AR—Expressing frustration that the rabid Cabinet member had completely decimated the cattle inventory, local farmer Lindon Trelby told reporters he purchased a guard dog Tuesday to protect his livestock from Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “I first knew something was getting into the pens when I found a tattered, bloody pair of jeans tangled up in the razor wire, and I’ve heard tell of nearby farms getting picked clean by RFK Jr., so I went and bought me a guard dog in case he ever comes back,” said Trelby, adding that the dog has been trained to bark when he smells the telltale scent of beef tallow from the HHS head entering the vicinity. “I hope the new dog will ward him off, because I can’t take another day of finding chickens with their heads bitten clean off after RFK Jr. sneaks into their coop in the middle of the night.” At press time, Trelby was reportedly horrified to learn Kennedy had killed the guard dog and dragged the corpse back to his home as a prize.

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide some joy to the nation and boost overall well-being, Justice Department officials announced plans Monday to bring back firing squads as a means of entertainment. “For too long, weak-on-fun Democrats have prevented our country from exercising this beloved tradition of murdering for enjoyment,” said acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, claiming the practice was also a far cheaper and more efficient method of amusement than lethal injection. “Capital punishment with actual guns and bullets acts as a natural deterrent for boredom when it is carried in front of millions of thrilled, screaming Americans. Firing squads are going to completely expedite the delight and euphoria that are often slow in death penalty cases, with some inmates being forced to wait years before their death provides amusement for a cheering crowd.” Blanche added that the Justice Department was also considering reestablishing state electrocutions for a one-night-only exclusive livestream on YouTube.

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WASHINGTON—Declaring that the frightening incident underscored a point he had been making for many years, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that the shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner reinforced the need to end journalism. “Over the weekend, there was an act of horrible violence that never would’ve happened if we didn’t have a free press,” said Trump, adding that the senseless crime would have been impossible if anyone had taken his repeated pleas to repeal the First Amendment seriously. “I’ve spent years trying to warn people of the danger involved in holding my administration accountable for its actions, and look where we are now. We can’t undo the past, but I hope this terrible event proves once and for all that journalism must be banned and banned right now. If it isn’t, then it’s only a matter of time before there’s another, and even more tragic, shooting.” Trump later conceded he was cautiously encouraged by the growing number of media outlets that had assumed some responsibility and made progress in letting him get away with everything.

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LEXINGTON, KY—Researchers at the University of Kentucky published a study Monday confirming that you should brace yourself for a massive personal disaster, because you are probably due to experience a big life tragedy soon. “Our results have found that since it’s been so long since you had something absolutely terrible happen to you, there is likely a massive calamity coming right down the pipeline,” said researcher Sean LaMonte, adding that you could expect there to be a day in the next month or so when you would wake up to 12 missed calls from everyone in your family, and that the reason would likely tear your life apart. “Your friend’s parents have been dying off lately, could be something with that. Or perhaps there’s a major career setback lurking right around the corner for you. There’s no telling exactly what is going to happen, but mathematically it’s going to be in the near future and it’s going to be real fucking awful.” LaMonte claimed the only way you could feasibly prepare was to remain paralyzed in fear until the tragedy occurred.

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Kash Patel’s time as FBI director has been plagued by accusations of chaotic behavior, binge drinking, and unexplained absences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the head of the federal law enforcement agency.

Claim To Fame: First person to give up looking for Nancy Guthrie

Office Nickname: Shhh, He’s Right There

Greatest Asset: 360-degree field of vision

Signature Look: “Oh you definitely took too much, bro.”

Case He’s Currently Working On: Heinekens

Biggest Case Solved: Which bar he left credit card at

Girlfriend: Living large while she can

Blood Alcohol Level: 0.63 Hegseths

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Costco recalled almost 208,000 heated socks after customers reported first- and second-degree burns. What do you think?

“You have to remember to set it to slow roast.”

Ron Pruett, Face Blurrer

“God forbid a company try to push the boundaries of coziness.”

John Jones, Hammer Polisher

“I got rid of mine because they smelled like hot feet.”

Maggie Olyphant, Knee Surgeon

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Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth issued a directive lifting the requirement that U.S. service members receive the flu vaccine, citing “medical autonomy.” What do you think?

“I hope the enemy will take the time to say ‘bless you.’”

Alejandro Cortez, Paint Consultant

“Well, we didn’t recruit them to live.”

Kara Lim, Chandelier Hanger

“Some soldiers fight better with active diarrhea.”

Shawn Camacho, Mailbox Stuffer

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COLUMBIA, MO—Growing increasingly irate that the new customer base had actually made the place profitable, regulars of local dive bar The Drunken Rooster were reportedly upset Friday after the business had become popular enough to be financially solvent. “This place used to be cool and underground, man. Now they have so many people in here they’re probably going to be in the black this quarter,” said regular Emily Knapp, lamenting that the watering hole had become so in fashion that the bathrooms were no longer the disgusting and filthy as she had grown to love all these years. “Now that it’s not a huge economic drag on the owners, the place has lost all its character. Sure there were code violations everywhere, and there were massive fire hazards all over the place, but now the life is completely gone. I don’t even have to keep an eye on my drink with this new clientele. What a bummer.” Knapp went on to bemoan the fact that the bar had become successful enough to actually start paying the bartenders a livable wage.

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