<p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/victor-wembanyama-returns-from-concussion-speaking-fluent-french/">Victor Wembanyama Returns From Concussion Speaking Fluent French</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.</p>
<p>WASHINGTON—Declaring that the frightening incident underscored a point he had been making for many years, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that the shooting at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner reinforced the need to end journalism. “Over the weekend, there was an act of horrible violence that never would’ve happened if we didn’t have a free […]</p> <p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/trump-claims-correspondents-dinner-shooting-reinforces-need-to-end-journalism/">Trump Claims Correspondents’ Dinner Shooting Reinforces Need To End Journalism</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/jd-vance-still-waiting-for-secret-service-to-retrieve-him-from-secure-hiding-area/">JD Vance Still Waiting For Secret Service To Retrieve Him From Secure Hiding Area</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.</p>
<p>WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide some joy to the nation and boost overall well-being, Justice Department officials announced plans Monday to bring back firing squads as a means of entertainment. “For too long, weak-on-fun Democrats have prevented our country from exercising this beloved tradition of murdering for enjoyment,” said acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, claiming […]</p> <p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/doj-to-bring-back-firing-squad-as-means-of-entertainment/">DOJ To Bring Back Firing Squad As Means Of Entertainment</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/good-spatula-dirty/">Good Spatula Dirty</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.</p>
<p>ROLAND, AR—Expressing frustration that the rabid Cabinet member had completely decimated the cattle inventory, local farmer Lindon Trelby told reporters he purchased a guard dog Tuesday to protect his livestock from Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “I first knew something was getting into the pens when I found a tattered, bloody […]</p> <p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/farmer-buys-guardian-dog-to-protect-livestock-from-rfk-jr/">Farmer Buys Guardian Dog To Protect Livestock From RFK Jr.</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.</p>
<p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/phone-porn-addictions-converging-nicely/">Phone, Porn Addictions Converging Nicely</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.</p>
<p>Kash Patel’s time as FBI director has been plagued by accusations of chaotic behavior, binge drinking, and unexplained absences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the head of the federal law enforcement agency. Claim To Fame: First person to give up looking for Nancy Guthrie Office Nickname: Shhh, He’s Right There Greatest […]</p> <p>The post <a href="https://theonion.com/political-profile-kash-patel/">Political Profile: Kash Patel</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.</p>
