i got a call last thursday asking if i was free to come check out the route i'd be cleaning. he didn't say the exact words "you have the job"-- me and jem are too autistic to be certain, so i asked some discord friends and they agreed that i have the job lol.
the brief tour was fine. it was trippy as hell being back at my old school. i hadn't been there since i graduated ten years ago.2 there's been loads of renovations and stuff too. it's a lot more bougie than when i was there! i missed out on all the cool new shit.
i'm starting the third week of may. sounds pretty chill and my boss seems like a cool guy. i'm starting at an awkward time, so i'll have a week of normal second shift hours before we switch to a weird day shift schedule they follow during breaks and leading up to summer vacation. after that i'm on summer hours, which is 6am-4pm mon-thurs; i'll have fri-sun off.
full benefits and it's unionized too. only crappy thing is that my probation period ends just as the year resets, so i won't get any vacation time. but after my first year i'll have 2 weeks to use up!
i am nervous but also looking forward to it. the pay increase is going to help a lot too. i feel like i'm almost going to be doing less work with less stress for more money. but i think that is probably more to do with my specific store than the nature of fast food in general.
i just put in my two weeks this past friday. i've been here for 5 years so it's a big change. i'm excited though.
02.
i'm using up some pto so i'll have a week off between jobs. originally my plan was to try and move to a new apartment in that time, but it really isn't financially feasible. like i wouldn't have had enough cash on hand for everything, i'd turn around and start my new job without know where i'm at in the pay cycle, etc. my situation at home rn sucks but it's not as bad anymore. i can rough it out another month or two.
i've felt a weird mix of emotions. i was so stoked about this job, i wanted to carry that momentum forward into moving. now that i'm staying home the wind's been taken out my sails a bit lol. feeling kinda sad again. trying to not let it detract from getting this job, but it's hard.
i'm dealing with a lot of weird family stuff right now and i'm not sure how to move forward. my whole life i've just been one to put up with crap and let things go. lately i've been doing less of that, but i'm still not great at confrontation. it's more like i've just pivoted to a different type of avoidance.
i guess instead of looking at it from a self-critical perspective that leaves me feeling like a coward, i can try viewing it as giving myself space to lessen my stress and maintain my own peace of mind. with family stuff it's hard not to feel obligated to make yourself available, especially if you're a people-pleaser like me. but i'm trying to unlearn that instinct. you can't let other people take priority over your own needs. i guess now i'm just trying to figure out how to return from that self-determined separation without defaulting back to apologies, etc. because then it's just procrastination.
03.
had a crazy shift at work tonight. short-staffed and over-stressed as always. so glad i'm leaving soon.
too tired to really do much tonight. i'm nearly done with the massive blog post about art school that i've been writing for ages, though. just working on a graphic for it.
here's a sneak peek:
ok i opened up krita to export a png of the file and...ended up working on it for an hour lmao. i'm trying to figure out how to frame the composition. i considered using my own art which then lead to me hacking away at it and trying to build off the existing positive/negative space. i kind of hate it but i'm just gonna leave it for now. here's a play-by-play (right click --> open in new tab to view at full-size):
first go. just copied a piece of artwork, rotated it, and lined it up where the edges of the cloud background ended. tried picking edges that had strong lines and colors.
noticed the cloud in the upper right is continued into the artwork's whitespace--this was serendiputious and sponatneous; not conscious on my part.
i wanted to mirror the same dynamic on the left, so i started screwing around in the bottom left beneath the meat grinder.
also extended the branch rightward to add a midground
more screwing around.
felt too dark/enclosed, so i chose a brighter area of the artwork. my logic was that the yellow triangle/white negative space acts as a shadow against the pile of raw meat, to mirror the cloud in the top right.
tried out just having the artwork on the right but it feels too imbalanced
brought it back, but filled in the top so it's all white.
cut out the top part...just looks wonky.
filled it back up and added some black lines to frame/activate the space. still not a fan.
just said fuck it and resized the clouds so it encompasses the whole background lol.
not sure how i feel about any of it, i'm just pissed now haha but i'll sleep on it and come back tomorrow. this might be too ambituous of an addition this late into the collage. it really uppends the whole composition buy bringing in so many foreign colors, textures, etc.
04.
damn lol i wanted to go to bed early-ish tonight but i got sidetracked. ah well. usually whenever i'm stressed i hyper-fixate on shit to decompress. i guess fruitlessly rearranging a digital collage was my coping mechanism tonight.
i'm gonna have a snack then get into bed. reading catch-22 right now. it's one of my fave books ever but i've not read it in years. considering playing ocarina of time again just for something chill to play and also bc i want to write an FTM zelda sheik fic3 lol. i have a lot of thoughts about sheik and trans stuff which i'll elaborate on in a blog post one day. for now here's an old shitpost i made on piclog lol.
i applied for a job as a custodian at my old high school; i spoke about it here in a previous diary entry↩
the metaphorical irony of returning to a place of trauma and depression to clean/maintain the place isn't lost on me. i think it'll be nice in a way haha.↩
hello everyone! i know i haven't been here on bearblog in awhile. i haven't been posting much on my main site, either, but i'm back in the swing of writing/blogging. i also plan on chipping away at the backlog of content i still need to port here to bearblog.
hope everyone's been doing well! happy to be back again :) <3
01.
been going through it lately. i just glanced back at my diary entries, and in nearly all of them i'm either feeling tired, overwhelmed, sad, etc lol.
life's just tough right now. my home life situation is steadily worsening, but i got a chunky tax return that i'm going to put toward moving out. i'm kinda pissed because it would've covered a huge fraction of my debt but it is what it is. basic needs come first, and right now i don't have guaranteed running water sometimes.
i can't wait to have my own place again. i miss having a real kitchen. and a shower that works. and a ceiling that doesn't leak...
i want to start going through my things so i can pack up and move tf out as quickly and efficiently as possible. there's a lot of crap i need to declutter. i want to cut down on my stuff a ton before this move.
i always say i want to be more minimalist, but i really mean it this time. i got rid of a ton of shit before moving back home and i still feel like i have too much crap. there's so many boxes and things i've just let sit and i have no clue what's even in them. it's just stuff that i saw, wanted to keep for the sake of keeping it, and then totally forgot about.
no more of that! if i keep something, i want to either be using it or archiving it for a specific reason. no more just holding onto crap to hold onto it.
i think i'm vying for control right now. i'm also broke as fuck. i need to reshuffle. if i can't change anything and i can't get anything new, i am hoping that getting rid of stuff will give me the same hit of dopamine and satisfaction. i'm going full scorched earth.
02.
i had a job interview yesterday. it went okay...i think. i tried my best. they said they'll let me know either by the end of this week or start of next week. my old high school had a job opening for a custodian position. i haven't been there since i graduated 10 years ago. it pays $18.75/hour with full benefits.
i really need better pay. so if i don't get it i'll just keep looking. i want to try getting out of food service because after a decade, i'm sick of it. but we'll see. beggars can't be choosers.
i've been reflecting lately on jobs and career stuff. for a long time i thought i wanted to go to college, but i didn't. then i thought i had to get a career of some sort, like IT. recently i'm just trying to dig myself out of debt and get into a better material/financial situation. it's made me reflect on wage labor and blue collar stuff. is it so bad to have those types of jobs? why is it considered a failure? confronting these subconscious prejudices have made me feel a lot better and more open to different opportunities.
i'll never work in a factory, though. at least while my dad is alive i guess, and maybe after too--he'd turn in his grave anyway (nevermind the fact he wants cremated and tossed out to sea1). he's worked in factories his whole life, and he always told me to never work in one.
03.
been reading a lot on my kobo libra color. thing is a fucking beast. i just finished the ministry of time by kaliane bradley. i have mixed feelings; i'm writing a blog post about it right now. i also recently picked up the accidental buddhist by dinty w. moore, which i found at a local bookstore. it's a charming personal account from 1995.
i've started getting into lovecraft again. i jumped into his stuff last year (call of cthulhu, the shadow over innsmouth, the whisperer in the darkness) then took a break. i read the color out of space the other day. it was pretty cool. nothing has topped the opening paragraph of call of cthulhu for me, though.
i've also fielded some book recommendations about israel/palestine and zionism from some buddies in a political discord i'm in. i've learned a lot about how zionism has been demonized and what it actually means, which is the right for israel to exist as a jewish state.
it reminds me of how people have misconstrued transmedicalism. it's kind of freaky seeing how easily kids online are especially influenced by these trendy internet politics. i grew up on tumblr during its peak, so i saw a ton of shit and took it onboard just like any impressionable teenager would. it took me years to unlearn that stuff and figure out what my real political opinions are, what was based in fact, and what was exaggerated by 20-something socialist ideologues posting from their macbooks.
i'm seeing it repeat with teenagers today. it's just so easy for stuff online to get misrepresented, and then that misrepresentation becomes fact, and the whole debate is founded on falsehoods.
for israel i'm going to pick up righteous victims by benny morris. i'm also going to read the iron cage by rashid khalidi for a palestine-centered pov. it sounds like these are both good primers. i've got a lot more books i want to read after these two. once i finish them i'll write blog posts for them too.
04.
before jem left we stopped at a local head shop and i got a ton of CDs. probably shouldn't have but they were some good pulls. i think i'm gonna keep going back once or twice a month to find more music.
rn i'm jamming to a collection of bread's greatest hits. i'm gonna make a blog post about thrifting cds, my collection, my stereo, etc at some point.
here's the setup and some bonus pics of marley, who's been napping on my desk the whole time i've been typing this:
05.
i haven't been able to do much work lately, and i feel bad about it. i was busy while jem was here and my home life being what it is makes it difficult to get in the groove and be productive. i'm meeting with my prof tomorrow to try and explain some of this to her. i really want to get back to work but it's tough when life is how it is. i'm thinking i might start going to the library and doing some work there in the study rooms when they're open. ideally i'd love to just go to school but it's quite the drive, and i'm short on gas/money/time atm.
06.
i've been using claude a lot lately. i started out just troubleshooting linux stuff, but man it's a great resource for rubber-ducking. i tried out venting about some personal stuff tonight and i was impressed with how well it relayed the info back to me and helped pull out some stuff i wouldn't have been able to single out on my own.
i'm not about to make claude my therapist or give it all my personal info/life story, but i kinda view it as a journal that can mirror back your inputs and summarize your thoughts, which is honestly a pretty valuable tool.
i've been warming up to ai a lot. i plan on blogging about it. i anticipate getting flamed, but it's whatever.
i don't think ai is perfect or without its flaws and concerns, but i don't vibe with this totally luddite side of the debate. point blank, not using ai is depriving yourself of some pretty cool tools and resources. i've used it to help me troubleshoot, help me with research (not actual info, but finding sources etc), help me with gathering my thoughts, etc. i've even used it as a thesaurus--inputting sentences i've written, and adding a blank space for a word that i can't decide on. like, that's fucking awesome!
like with any tech, ai is chill if you use it mindfully and with purpose. i'll update if i get psychosis i guess lol.
been awhile so i thought i'd write up a little diary entry!!
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1.
been awhile so i thought i'd write up a little diary entry!! i felt like posting something but i don't have anything ready for my blog yet.
coming out of a weird depressive episode atm. brought on by low testosterone and just idk, the whims of my disregulated brain. it be like that sometimes.
i feel like i still view mental illness as a "before" and "after" sort of thing--like, i think i am post-depression or something, so when i get hit with a random depressive episode out of nowhere it always pisses me off and i get super hard on myself. i guess i'm still waiting to grow out of it haha.
i am feeling better today tho so i think i'm finally coming out of it!! :)
2.
today is the first week i'm trying out splitting my T dose into two shots. i went back up to .4mL last month and i feel a lot better, but the mental/physical drop leading up to my shot day was crazy. so now i'm doing two .2mL shots 3-4 days apart. just did my first one before bed thursday night (technically like 1:00 AM friday morning lol). i am hoping it'll help my energy and mood be more consistent!!
3.
zzzz
i'm so friggin tired today bruh. i had a manager meeting at 8:30 AM. i couldn't get to sleep until like 4:00 AM so i was fucked lol. went to walmart after the meeting, got home and made some oatmeal, then passed tf out again until about 30 min before my shift started.
meeting wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. mostly just procedural stuff. i was expecting to get bitched out. (night shift always catches the short end of the stick, that's just how food service goes.)
things are weirdly stable at work rn, but it never lasts that way for long. still gotta look for new jobs. if i can find a higher paying spot i'll apply. i have been considering trying out a day shift job. i haven't work days since i was like idk, 18 lol. i am sick of second shift. but i don't know how i'd fare getting up early in the mornings. idk. we'll see lol. depends on if i can even find anywhere that pays better.
4.
had a dream about avatar last night. don't ask me why. my dreams are always super weird. i had a lot of stress dreams actually, so i think it was my brain trying to bring up something nicer. i LOVE avatar. now i wanna rewatch the movies all over again. i've also been considering writing some fanfic.
i wanna make a new ao3 account that i can share here on the site (i'd host copies of my fics here too!). i love writing fanfic and i wanna write more personal stuff that i wouldn't mind attaching my real name to lol.
while at work i was thinking of avatar stuff and i think i would like to write a fic with FTM lo'ak! i've always wondered how trans stuff would work in-universe with the na'vi and i think lo'ak would be the perfect character to explore it with! i'll probs info dump in a separate note sometime soon to brainstorm
my boy <3333
i also wanna write some jake/neytiri stuff bc they are my OTP and we need some good romance between them. they've been thru so much i just wanna write them having a cute date night or something and maybe a lil extra sumthin sumthin if ykwim
i have plans tomorrow to like be productive and do stuff before lol. maybe after work i'll chill and start watching the movies thru again, beginning w the goat A1!
5.
been hanging out in different discord alts lately. so far i like fluxer the most, but it's only got one dev and it's been down a lot. he seems like a good dude tho so i'm rooting for him. once it's stable and there's good self hosting docs out i'll probably try spinning up a server. it'll be my first go at something like that but i really wanna try it out, the idea of being able to host my own chat sound rad af.
i've been on matrix for a min now too but it's kind of a pain. cinny is the only client i really like, but even then there isn't voice/video call support yet. also idk if they even have screenshare audio atm. def won't work for jem and i.
also been on mastodon a lot recently. and regrettably spending more time on reddit lol. but it isn't TOO bad. i am only rly jumping into threads to actually read stuff up and develop my own thoughts on things. or i will scroll for hours just eating up fandom stuff like i did today w the avatar sub lol.
bruh i just watch concernedape's stardew retrospective and it made me cry like a little bitch i love this dev and this game so much holy shit. also i had no clue there was a 1.6 update????? and now a 1.7 on the way??? ahhhhh
man this makes me wanna hop into a new save file and start playing again ughhhh. i haven't played it in soooo long, at least a couple years, and even then i only ever played until like year 2 or 3 across different files
the last big file i had was on my og switch, which i lost after a crazy night of drinking that made me go sober lmao.
i've been playing my 3ds exclusively for the past 3-ish years, gotten to play thru so many cool games i never checked out before, including farm sims like rune factory 4 which i put 40+ hours into on my 3ds/switch combined (still never got married xD i wanna replay on a fresh save now that i understand the mechanics better), and older story of seasons titles.
i've also tried out games like fields of mistria on pc, which is an amazing title and i love all the npc interactions as well as the aesthetic. so cute and cozy.
all that being said, stardew is THE BLUEPRINT and my #1 farm sim (tied with harvest moon a wonderful life, which is what first got me into the genre). it is also in my top three games of all time along with ff13, skyrim, and pokemon white/black.
idk i just feel emotional, i've had a rough mental health day today. sat down and watched this video on a whim and it really cheered me up. so happy that stardew exists and concernedape is the great dev that he is.
1.7 update spoilers!!
ALSO clint and sandy being new spouses is so fucking cool. i am not surprised by sandy bc i know people wanted her for awhile.
part of me was gunning for robin, not bc i am interested but bc i know ppl have been after her since the game came out lol, but breaking up a whole marriage and changing npc routines/houses and all that would probably mess with the base game too much
i was shocked clint is there tho, but tbh i think it's great, shows concernedape is doing stuff his own way still....i've always felt bad for clint and i am excited to see where his arc will go!!!
bit sad we didn't get the wizard tho but there's always SVE until then lol.
anyway i just really wanna get back into the game again, it's been so long since i played and this video reminded me how much it means to me. it's def in my top games of all time, up there with ff13, skyrim, and pokemon black/white!
7.
been trying to be nicer to myself lately too. it's tough consciously bargaining with the mean voice in my head that always gives me shit, but i'm trying. even if i'm not successful all the time, i think the effort is paying off!
gonna try getting better about doing my stretches again. my back has been killing me lately. i had a whole PT routine a few years back but i just sorta stopped doing it. i def need it again tho lol.
8.
i could say more stuff but i only really started writing this to make myself sleepy, and it worked lol. too tired to think anymore. gonna sign off and head to bed now!! gn :) <3
P.S.
i nearly forgot to mention but!! my birthday is in like three weeks yay :) ok goodnight lol
Some notes on the SOS scale from Harry Benjamin's The Transsexual Phenomenon, written in the midst of a reddit debate lol.
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I've been engaging in digital self harm recently jumping into trans debates on reddit lol. I wrote out this whole wall of text and figured it was substantial enough to post on my site, too.
There was a post about the "real" definition of transsexuality and whether or not bottom surgery is a requirement. Someone quoted Harry Benjamin, the sexologist who literally pathologized transsexuality and established gender-affirming care in the US. He wrote The Transsexual Phenomenon, the first clinical text on trans people to be widely read in America; I went ahead and skimmed through it over the course of an hour (it's only a little over 100 pages).
Please note that this is in no way, shape, or form meant to constitute as a proper analysis of this text, or a finalized version of my own interpretation of either Benjamin's ideas or my personal definition of transsexuality. Detailed below are just some initial thoughts on a specific part of The Transsexual Phenomenon--specifically Benjamin's "Sex Orientation Scale", which he deployed to conceptualize transsexuality as opposed to transvestism--which I would substitute with gender non-conformity in a modern context.
I've wanted to study this text for ages now anyway; at some point in the future I'll read it in full and write up notes on everything, which I will collect into a proper blog post. For now here's...whatever this is lol.
Disclaimer: The below excerpts (and the majority of The Transsexual Phenomenon itself) only reference male "transvestites" and MTFs; there is a chapter later in the text dedicated to female transvestites and FTMs, which--of course--lacks the same amount of clinical study and documentation.1
this comment made me download a pdf of the transsexual phenomenon
benjamin created a table he called the SOS or "sex orientation scale". it illustrated the gradient between transvestism and transsexuality on a scale from 1-6. (in a modern context, i would replace transvestism with gender-nonconformity, i.e. non-transitioning)
the last three types fit under his definition of transsexual.
pseudo TV
fetishistic TV
true TV
nonsurgical TS
moderate intensity TS
high intensity TS
he transposed this scale onto a previous diagnostic metric:
group 1 for transvestites (types 1-3 on the SOS)
group 2 for those who may be considered either partially transvestic or partially transsexual, depending upon their symptoms and response to therapeutic treatments (cross-dressing to treat transvestism versus HRT to treat transsexuality) (types 4-5 on the SOS)
group 3 for transsexuals who undergo srs (types 5-6 on the SOS)
he enumerates each type of transsexual, and its corresponding location in his previous metric, as such:
A low degree of largely unconscious transsexualism can be appeased
through cross-dressing and demands no other therapy for emotional
comfort. These are transvestites (Group 1).
A medium degree of transsexualism makes greater demands in order
to restore or maintain an emotional balance. The identification with the
female cannot be satisfied by wearing her clothes alone. Some
physical changes, especially breast development, are requirements for
easing the emotional tension. Some of these patients waver between transvestitic indulgences and transsexual demands for transformation (Group 2).
For patients of a high degree of transsexualism (the "true and full-
fledged transsexual"), a conversion operation is the all-consuming
urge, as mentioned earlier and as a later chapter will show still more
fully. Cross-dressing is an insufficient help, as aspirin for a brain tumor
headache would be (Group 3).
benjamin admits to a gradient of transsexualism, though it is unclear how he measured each level of severity. he only really focuses on the sixth type, probably as it is the easiest to illustrate clinically.
it is obvious upon study that the "line" between transvestism (or gender non-conformity) and transsexuality lies within the transformative nature of transition.
he later talks about different case studies. "high intensity" transsexuals all transitioned to the opposite sex and had surgery, but he also places a great deal of emphasis on post-transition life and living as the opposite sex. additionally, of the case studies that were deemed to be low intensity or transvestites, none of them lived outwardly or pursued a full MTF/FTM social/legal transition.
so according to his diagnostic criteria, surgery plays a part in transsexuality and can certainly account for a large portion of its clinical justification, but living as the opposite sex legally, emotionally, and psychologically is just as important and is equally clinically relevant.
it can be assumed that HRT and the transformation of secondary sex characteristics, insofar as they enable someone to live as the opposite sex, also apply here--which is what i reckon he envisioned when speaking of group 2's "transsexual demands for transformation".
in my interpretation, i would probably divide group 2 into two subcategories: "tranvestites" or gender non-conformists who undergo HRT etc for personal, social, or cosmetic reasons, and exhibit GNC behavior on a temporary and/or conditional basis; and transsexuals who undergo medical transition to live as the opposite sex, but refrain from bottom surgery.
furthermore, he repeatedly clarifies that these typings are not set in stone, and that most patients exist between each type.
It must be emphasized again that the remaining six types
are not and never can be sharply separated. The clinical pictures are
approximations, schematized and idealized, so that the TV and TS who
may look for himself among the types will find his own picture usually
in between two recorded categories, his principal characteristics listed
in both adjoining columns.
[...] It should be noted again, however, that most patients would
fall in between two types and may even have this or that symptom of
still another type.
with this reading in mind, i would say that transsexuality rests upon gender dysphoria and transitioning social and medically to live as the opposite sex; bottom surgery (or lack thereof) indicates either moderate/high intensity.
"It is probably very unfair to devote only one chapter in this volume to the female transsexual: unfair because her emotional problem is in every way as serious as that of her male counterpart. However, the frequency of female transsexualism is considerably less than that of the male. While the clinical experiences described in the preceding pages are based on 152 cases of male transsexualism, the female transsexuals here reported number only twenty (by the end of 1964). Even so, sometime in the future she may merit a book devoted to her alone." (See: FTM: Female-to-Male Transsexuals in Society by Aaron Devor.)↩
Thoughts on Heated Rivalry S01E01; spoiler warnings for S01E01. (18+ only!)
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Thoughts on Heated Rivalry S01E01; spoiler warnings for S01E01. (18+ only!)
Introduction
I just watched the first episode of Heated Rivalry with my partner, Jem.
I've been intrigued by the show for ages but didn't have many expectations going into it. Not that I expected it to be bad--I just don't often watch TV; that, and some of the content I've seen online left a bad taste in my mouth.
For example, I saw a TikTok of a bunch of young women telling their grandma there was this new gay show with hot guys where you see everything--that sort of stuff combined with the fact that the source material is a Stucky-turned-romance-novel written by a straight woman, I worried that maybe it was all just "queer men for the straight, voyeuristic gaze".
My fears were put to rest when I learned that the show's creator, writer, and director, Jacob Tierney, is a gay man himself. I also heard that the chemistry between the two stars, Hudson Williams (Shane Hollander) and Conner Storrie (Ilya Rozanov), is off the charts.
After seeing the show for myself, I can attest to the fact that both of the actors gave it their all. This no-holds-barred approach can be felt throughout the entire first episode: from the acting, to the editing, to the cinematography, to the writing, and especially to the pacing.
Plot Recap
The first episode opens during the international hockey final between Canada and Russia in 2008, with Shane and Ilya playing for either team. They're instantly magnetized to each other, lingering gazes translated into long shots across the ice.
After the final concludes, a quick smash cut introduces a time skip--the first of many. This first cut transports us to the Major Hockey League, or MHL,1 draft. Shane is recruited to the Montreal Metros; Ilya to the Boston Raiders.
After the draft ends, they both head to their hotel gym to blow off some steam, which culminates in a super erotic of them "racing" each other on stationary bikes. Dripping in sweat, they sit across from each other afterward and share a stilted conversation latent with desire. Some time later, they film a MHL commercial together. In the showers after filming, they ogle each other's bodies, until Ilya--forward and beguiling--begins jerking off while maintaining direct eye contact with Shane, whose hasty "Not here" breaks the scene.
Ilya approaches a nervous Shane in the locker room, who offers to write off what just transpired between. Not believing his bluff, Ilya asks for his room number, which Shane provides--leading to the smokiest dialogue I've encountered in awhile:
ILYA: What is your room number?
SHANE: 1410.
ILYA: Well, if I come to 1410 tonight at...9 'o clock?
SHANE: I might open.
ILYA: I might knock.
True to his word, Ilya arrives; true to his word, Shane answers. A sultry sex scene follows--skipping what would've been a laborious slow burn, Heated Rivalry jumps straight into action. It knows what the audience came here for, and wastes no time teasing viewers with will-they-won't-they bullshit.
Thereafter, the episode is spliced into small pockets of time throughout Shane and Ilya's rookie season.
We see Shane's well-meaning (yet over-bearing) "Mom-ager" celebrate brand deals and opportunities for him to become positive representation for kids, while Ilya fields pleas for money from his unsavory brother and cryptic phone calls from his critical and distant father.
On the ice, Shane shapes up to be a breakout MVP, while Ilya gains a reputation for talking big and playing rough. In between games, they orchestrate secret hotel room visits, where sex quickly gives way to an even deeper emotional tension.
The episode ends with their first season. After a game against Shane is canceled, Ilya returns to his apartment in Boston, where it is revealed that he's had a girlfriend back home in Russia this entire time: a woman named Svetlana, who jump-scares all of us walking into Ilya's kitchen wearing his jersey. Meanwhile, the pressure keeps mounting on Shane, who wins the MHL award for Rookie of the Year.
At the MHL awards after-party in Las Vegas, the two argue during a private moment out on an empty balcony. When Ilya asks what it is that "Hollander" (Shane) wants, Shane exclaims:
"I don't know! I thought we had--"
Something? To say the least.
Ilya interrupts him with a passionate kiss, which Shane momentarily returns, before regaining his senses and--worried that someone will see them--storms off, leaving us alone with a reticent Ilya.
Thus ends episode one.
Initial Thoughts
If this verbose blog post is anything to go by, Heated Rivalry pulled me right in. I didn't anticipate being enraptured by its story and characters right off the bat,2 but here we are.
It's immediately obvious that an immense amount of care was put into making this show. The two leads have an insane amount of chemistry--you can practically feel the tension between them through the screen.3 The pacing is punchy and quick, never dragging its heels or burdening the viewers with dry exposition.
These things are aided by clever editing and stellar cinematography. The camera behaves as if Shane and Ilya's gazes have been superimposed onto the lenses: following the column of a neck, lingering hotly between the legs, or contemplating softly parted lips.
The cinematography was no less intentional when retracted from the personal perspective. As a figurative artist, I'm pretty familiar with the lines of the human body; these instincts were gratified during every sex scene, when I couldn't help but notice how artfully each shot was composed.
The sex scenes weren't just visually nuanced, but emotionally as well. During their first tryst Ilya asks Shane if he's ever been with another man. Shane says no and returns the question, whereupon Ilya briefly divulges a previous fling with his coach's son back in Russia.
After making out some more, the two undress and...lay down next to each other, discussing sex, experience, and desire. The intermission doesn't last long, but it's enough to ground their budding relationship in a realistic and refreshing way.
They go on perform reciprocal fellatio. (The first to finish, Ilya pretends to get ready to leave, only to ensure Shane that he's "not an asshole" and won't leave him high and dry.) In another sex scene, time is afforded to showcase Shane's hesitancy around anal, further illustrating how new all of this is to him; Ilya patronizes him until he confesses he's used a dildo before in exasperation.
These little touches of nervousness, discovery, and communication elevate what would've been softcore gay porn to a viscerally intimate narrative--as told through the medium of sex.
This dynamic is exemplary of Heated Rivalry's vibe. It's unabashedly erotic, but not just for the sake of sex appeal: the physical connection between Shane and Ilya is but a mere conduit for their emotional connection.
Conclusion
It's hard to find gay media, let alone gay media of this quality. I was pleasantly surprised by the depth in Heated Rivalry's narrative.
I can honestly say I'm not sure where it'll go next. Obviously there will be conflict between Shane, Ilya, and Svetlana.4 I imagine Shane will have internal conflict over his sexuality as he's further shaped into a posterboy for the MHL.
There's a lot of possibilities, many of them cliche; but I don't expect Heated Rivalry to fall back on overdone tropes, sensationalized drama, or sanitized depictions of sex and romance.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see. Jem and I are only watching it together, and it's hard to find time where we can both sit down and watch something for an hour over Discord.5 It's already proven itself to be worth all this hype online, so I'm sure it'll be worth the wait, too.
Vent post about HRT complications and my chronic illness/pain conditions.
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(Hi. ヾ( ‘ – ‘*) Long time no see. I wanna post on Bearblog again, so here I am.)
TW: talk of chronic illness, chronic pain, transition complications, dysphoria-inducing content, use of slurs, etc.
1.
I went to the LGBT clinic a few weeks ago. My T levels were low last time they were checked, so we forewent another test. My NP asked if I wanted to try going back up to 4mL injections; I said yes.
I've already been on 4mL injections once--back in 2023, at the onset of my PFD and IC1 symptoms, after which I dropped down to 2mL and stayed there for about a year. Once my symptoms were manageable I went back up to 3mL.
I'm on my second week of 4mL injections. I did my shot a couple days ago, so my T levels are peaking right now. I fell asleep with my kitties before work today--when I woke up, I was gripped with awful muscle pain that would no let go. It's stuck around, on and off, for the entire night.
It felt exactly the same as it did three years ago. I've kind of been in a tailspin ever since--triggered and transported right back to where I was during my symptom onset, trapped in debilitating pain without any relief.
I'm not sure if it's just due to stress/anxiety. I've been paranoid about a flare up since going up a dose, so it could be a self-fulfilling placebo. But it's hard to keep my cool when I've got chronic pain/illness conditions that could worsen at a moment's notice.
2.
I have two options. Neither are all that appealing.
I go back down to 3mL injections and remain stuck at lower T levels with slower masculinizing effects (if any at all)
I stay on 4mL and go back to using local estrogen, constantly balancing my chronic illness against my transition goals
3.
I've noticed my energy levels and moodswings have improved on the 4mL injections (although the mental/physical drop-off once my next shot day rolled around seemed worse). Not only that, but my mustache is suddenly growing in thicker. I could just be imagining things, but it really does feel like there's been improvements.
In any case, the knowledge that I was on a higher dose put me at ease. Sometimes dysphoria is more abstract; just knowing that I've got more testosterone in my body helps a lot, in a way that I can't really put into words.
4.
But now here I am--in pain again.
I guess I thought all this stuff was behind me. Random flare ups, worrying about my T levels throughout the week, and trying to manage my pain. I spent months taking muscle relaxers and using local estrogen. Experimenting with random supplements and minerals. Trying to belly-breathe through gritted teeth and angry tears. It felt like plugging holes in a sinking boat.
The fact that I was able to turn things right side up again is astounding--so to backslide like this is really difficult. I guess part of me feels like I've "failed" somehow.
This is my ultimatum: continue taking testosterone at a higher dose while managing dysphoria-inducing symptoms--or take a lower dose and deal with the dysphoria that comes from having low T.
5.
Local estrogen is the mainstay against these symptoms when T levels get too high. It comes in a cream or tablet form. The cream never worked for me so I switched to tablets, which were effective.
They're local suppositories. Inserting them kind of sucks ass. Buying them is worse.
The platic applicators come in large blister-packs in a bag labeled "ESTRODIAL 10 MCG VAGINAL TAB. INSERT 1 TABLET VAGINALLY 2 TIMES A WEEK."
The pharmacist might as well stamp my forehead with TRANNY in red ink. Let the entire world know that I have a mangina.
The last time I picked them up there was a different pharmacist in covering for the usual guy. So somebody unfamiliar with me. When he bagged up my prescriptions he mentioned something about the estrogen tablets, saying "tell her" yadda yadda yadda--then looked at the label, up at me, back at the label, and said: "Err, whoever's these are."
Picking up my testosterone is different. It provides plausible deniability--cis men do T injections too. And if I'm not looking for a cover-up, there's a certain level of pride in it--"Yes, I am on testosterone! That's mine!"
Let's just say I'm not proud to pick up my mangina pills. I actually hate it. It makes me feel so gross and weird. I worry about people overhearing or seeing my prescription. I brace myself to get misgendered. I wonder if the pharmacy staff are wondering about what's between my legs, and if it cancels out everything else that makes me a man.
6.
I kept waffling back and forth on this all night long. But I think I'm going to stick with the 4mL and just tough out using local estrogen.
I've spent three years moderating my transition. I need my T to reach a higher level--the same level as a cis man's. I felt so much better the first week and a half. It's only once this pain came back that I got really nervous and started feeling anxious/insecure again.
7.
I know I'll never get back to normal. I just want to get better. Living with chronic illness and pain, "better" always comes with unpleasant caveats.
Been home from Chicago for a few days now and I'm dog tired lol.
Had such an AWESOME time in the city. My partner and I have visited a bunch of times. This time we went to a residential area away from the city center and it was amazing. Vibes were so good, everyone was super friendly (and the vegan food was AMAZING).
I also tried out a "one bag" (more like "1.5 bag") packing system with my Northseeker (see the "i love my backpack sm note" for more). I used it with a small Jansport sling bag. Tried packing lighter than ever and still found that I could've packed less clothes, so I'll be excited to try it again another trip. (I love minimalist packing haha.)
We definitely want to go back again. We're also seriously considering moving to Chicago after living in the UK for as long as it takes for us to save money and get my dual citizenship, after which it'll be Jem's turn.
I'll make a proper blog post with pictures and everything when I've got time. We got back Saturday night and I've been working straight through since Sunday, all the way to Thursday. After Thursday we're driving three hours upstate for my sister's wedding (which is why Jem visited in the first place); come back Sunday, then another day of work until Tuesday (Jem's last night here) and Wednesday, when I'll be going back up to Chicago to see Jem off.
Went to the art studio yesterday and brought Jem with me. I sold my first piece ever! I priced it super low at $75 just to see if it'd sell. Well, it sure did--only had it in the gallery for a couple days before somebody nabbed it.
I'm doing a whole new sort of work. It's really exciting. But also very stressful and nervewracking haha. I'm basically creating a new visual language to work with. It's figure drawings with collage elements. I'm cutting the figures out and sort of puzzling them together. The first piece I finished worked really well--and now I've got to figure out how to continue that momentum. Fearful of a sophomore slump, though.
Anyway, needless to say I'm pretty exhausted. Been going non-stop for a week. And I won't have any time off before I have to go to my sister's wedding. Trying to chill before/after work when I can and enjoy time with Jem.
Last night we watched Ali G Indahouse. It's one of Sacha Baron Cohen's earlier works. I've not seen his Ali G stuff before and I loved it sm. It's great. I will admit that I had to pause and ask Jem certain slang terms or ask what they said when I couldn't make out certain accents lmao.
Makes me wanna rewatch Bruno lmao. It also gave Zoolander and Pick of Destiny vibes tbh--both great flicks. I miss the golden age of comedy movies.
Gotta go to work soon sigh. It keeps getting worse there ngl lmao. I think I'm gonna try to find a new job after New Year's. I'm going to the UK for Christmas with Jem's family; after that we'll be too broke to visit for awhile, so it's not like I'm gonna need any special time off lol. Hopefully I can find somewhere that pays better too. We'll see.
I keep saying "class" or "school" even though it's technically neither. I'm in practicum, which just means I'm paying for access to facilities/faculty without any actual curriculum. So I don't have any deadlines or grades to worry about.
Still, old habits die hard. I used to put a lot of pressure on myself when I was here 5 years ago getting my associate's. It's hard to not default back to that mentality.
For example, last week was a short "fall break" (we didn't have that back when I first went here lol). The week before that, I was sick and had to miss class. So it's been two weeks--and I haven't worked on my project at all.
I've been busy working and dealing with personal life stuff and trying to make more time for myself to relax. But I still feel like I've "failed" somehow with my art, even though I was doing other stuff that was important.
I'm also still kinda scared of my professor lowkey lol. Not in a bad way--she's one of the nicest people I've ever met, and we're super close. But she can be really intense lol. She remarked that I should make 20 of the drawing/collages I'm doing. And then she said that I should have a show at the end of the semester!
20 pieces??? A show??? She also wants to put my work out and see if I can sell it in any local galleries. Ahh!!!
It's just a lot to digest after going practically cold turkey with art for 5 years lol.
It's a tough balance to strike--actively making art, but not letting it take up space for other things you've allotted in your personal time, or being inflexible when other things pop up.
As with everything, I'm an addict. My whole life it's felt as if I either need to do NOTHING BUT MAKE ART or DO ANYTHING BUT. Day to day, this manifests as a lot of creative oscillations--artist's mood swings, if you will. Lol.
Man, it's been so long since I've written a diary entry. I got pretty sick the other week which set me back for a couple days. I've also been taking a break from webdev and writing in general. Mostly just playing my 3DS again.
I started with a new Pokemon romhack called Heart & Soul; it's a hack of Heartgold and Soulsilver crammed into an Emerald decomp. Tbh, I haven't played a single Gen 3 game, so the assets are new to me lol. I had fun with it but it made me wanna get back into other romhacks, so I started a new Volt White save and I basically forgot about Heart & Soul for now lol.
I LOVE GEN 5 so much. Volt White is a great hack. I've played it before, but only for a couple hours. My current playthrough is around 4-5 hours now. I even injected some AR cheat codes. Getting that to work was a whole thing--I had to find an R4 DS cheat code editor, which of course was a .EXE. So I had to run it through Wine, but then none of the font worked, so none of the characters rendered, it was all just blank squares, even after I injected some winetricks fonts and some other fixes. In the end, I took a screenshot and put it into ChatGPT, which spit out the UI text. I'll make a proper "gamelog" blog post eventually with more info and screenshots.
It's been nice having "fun" lol. I feel like I turn most of my hobbies/interests into tasks/work/goals, which takes away the enjoyment aspect. I guess that's why I've drifted away from gaming recently. It's not a "productive" hobby.
Speaking of being productive, my professor is gonna be disappointed to see that I haven't worked on my art series AT ALL. Last week we had a mini "fall break", and the week before that I was sick. Before that we had a critique--it was really cool, and I got a lot of good feedback on my work.
But, y'know. I'm not a student anymore. I'm enrolled in practicum, which means I just sorta do whatever. That, on top of being sick and working etc, I think I just needed a break from art. Getting back into it after 5 years of not making any serious work, and jumping back into an academic environment, and working for 2-3 hour sessions twice a week, took a lot out of me.
I feel refreshed though, and I'm excited to start working on it again. I don't like the pressure of it being an "obligation" though. I've thought to work on it here and there, but idk--it just feels forced, and I don't want to force anything, because it's really obvious in my work when I'm not in the flow of things lol.
It was Jem's birthday this past Wednesday! We spent a lot of time talking, and then we watched some fashion runway shows on a random whim. Idk why. But I "get" fashion now lol. It's just art you wear--the shows we watched were really interesting too, lots of cool colors, shapes, textures, etc. Once I looked at it from an abstract perspective it just clicked for me.
The show that really blew us away was the Maison Margiela Haute Couture Spring/Summer 2024 runway by John Galliano. Just absolutely insane. Jem and I couldn't stop talking about it and what it meant, symbolized, etc. The atmosphere was just incredible. I want to rewatch it again, I feel like it needs a few watches to really absorb the designs and narrative and visual language.
I've also been watching a lot more overconsumption/minimalism/deinfluencing videos. And dumbphones. It's just so satisfying to me to see how other people "decentralize" their tech, and what devices they use to do so.
I'm in a LDR so I can't use a dumbphone. I thought that it would be a cool experiment to try and put some sort of "physical block" on my smartphone. It's so easy to pick up, unlock, and start scrolling (I am also trialing stuff like App Block atm).
I picked up a folding wallet case from Amazon, and it just came in tonight. Tbh, I'm surprised at how effective it is. I keep glancing at my phone, see that it's shut, and it's enough to make me stop and pause. The physical act of picking it up and "opening" it is like a little switch in my brain. Likewise, seeing it "closed" stops me from wanting to check stuff, etc. I think having that sort of literal physical boundary will be really helpful, in a way that having app blocks, timers, etc still doesn't stop me from just opening my phone. I wanna make a blog post about my phone setup sometime, too.
What else...idk. I feel like I've done so much, but also not that much. I went shopping today. I'm trying to be more mindful of my money. I spent a lot today which sucks--but it's stuff I've needed for a minute. Cat food (Marley and Charlie eat special prescription food), new heads for my electric toothbrush, etc. I also picked up a tripod for my phone/camera so I can start recording art stuff and 3DS gameplay, as well as a new candle for fall (Snickerdoodle Swirl <3).
I picked up some pumpkin pie Poptarts too. My coworker had them at work the other night and I tried one, and it was really yummy. Tonight though, they aren't hitting like they did then. I guess it's a flavor with a really short half-life. Too bad I've got 7 more packs to go lol...oh well. Next time I'll get smores or something haha.
Speaking of Poptarts reminded me about breakfast, which is my favorite meal of the day. I picked up some proper British Heinz Beanz from Kroger a couple weeks ago. I forgot HOW FUCKING GOOD THEY ARE!!! I love them sm!!!!! If you haven't tried any yet PLEASE do urself a favor and pick some up if you can find any!
Can't think of what else to write. Certainly, I am back into "pressuring" myself to try and be "productive". I'll take it as a sign to chill out and play my 3DS for a bit. :)
✘ Originally posted on — 10-18-25 at 12:41 AM
✘ Main site location — xavierhm.com/notebook
I made my first blog post the other night. It'd been sitting in my drafts for a few days and I really wanted to just finally finish it, so I didn't have time to talk about my day in general. But I had a really nice one!
My days off each week are Thursday and Friday. I usually take a lazy day Thursday and hang out with my wife on Discord.1 Fridays are days where I do stuff and try to be productive.
The past few weeks I've had trouble sleeping or places to go. I haven't been spending my Fridays the way I like, too busy playing catch up on either my sleep or my to-do lists.
This week was the first time where I had a Friday to myself and felt like going out, so I wanted to capitalize on it!
Nifty and Thrifty
My first stop was Goodwill. I have a dharma friend named Erik; we've been corresponding over e-mail for several years now. He helped me understand Pure Land Buddhism in a way that I couldn't on my own, and introduced me to the teachings of Honen Shonen, who founded the school I am now a part of (Jodo-Shu). We also discuss certain Vajrayana practices and deities, with which we both feel affinities for in addition to Pure Land, Jodo-Shu, Honen, and Amida Buddha.
I had ordered some incense from Tibetan Nuns Project recently, along with a set of mala beads.2 It's different from the usual Japanese-style incense sold in stores in the West. The sticks are pure, compressed incense without any wood, so they don't fit in standard incense holders.
So far I've been burning mine in my regular incense holder, propping up the sticks with a piece of tigers eye.3 Here's a picture of my altar and incense, taken on my digicam:4
At some point I'll post more pictures and describe each part of my altar in another post.
When I asked Erik what incense holder he uses, he said that he uses a pot of his grandmother's filled with rice instead, so that it can hold any type of incense he wants.
I found that to be a super nifty solution and decided I would try to thrift an appropriate equivalent for my altar. I didn't find anything that I liked, but I did score some sick-ass clothes.
Sick-ass Finds for My "Capsule Wardrobe"
I purged pretty much my entire wardrobe this year and built a minimalist "capsule" wardrobe. I'll probably write a post about it one day; I found the whole experience super cathartic and lovely.
Excluding my work uniform, my current warm season wardrobe only has:
1 pair of Vans and 1 pair of hiking boots that I wear year-round
3 baseball caps I rotate between
1 brown/black South Park hat from Walmart
1 brown Carhartt hat from Bass Pro
1 cream/green hat with a simple embroidered flower from Target (see below)
I LOVE it. But lately I've been wanting to add a little more color. Also, it's starting to cool down, and having a thin top layer would be nice.
I considered buying some colored t-shirts but the idea rankled me. I love being able to just pop a shirt on and go. I don't have to worry about what else I'm wearing or matching colors. So I was on the look out for a short-sleeved top I could wear over my t-shirts.
I also wanted to get a new flannel in preparation for fall/winter. I've outgrown a lot of my old ones in the past year,7 and my personal style has changed to earthy tones. Ideally I wanted one in brown, since a lot of my other stuff (hats, bags) have green in them.
Lucky for me, I found two tops that were literally EXACTLY what I was looking for: a short-sleeved green button up, and a cozy brown flannel! I also found a really nice rugged outdoors vest!
I had bought a Dickies vest from Walmart a couple years ago and really liked the look, but the material was too stiff to be comfortable. I resigned myself to just not wearing one, thinking that I was too short8 and my torso was too small to make it work. Then I found one yesterday that fit me perfectly and was super comfy!
Here's some pics of me ✦✿♥✦ modeling ✦♥✿✦ everything (you should try hovering over them hehe):9
To Key(board), or Not to Key(board)
I also found a full-sized Dell keyboard for $3. I haven't actually used a regular keyboard in years, and this one is high-profile with a numberpad and everything.
I haven't used a regular keyboard because I haven't owned a desktop PC since I was eleven, when my parents let me inherit our old family computer.10 Complete with Windows XP, I used it to browse DeviantART, read Fanfiction.net, watch Shugo Chara11 on Crunchyroll, and write accompanying Amu/Ikuto fanfiction in Wordpad. (I also wrote Pokemon fanfiction; I was super into Soul Silver and Platinum at the time.)
After that PC died, I borrowed my mom's laptop12 whenever I could (and when I technically couldn't). My parents got sick of me hogging it all the time and bought me my own laptop for Christmas after I begged for one.
Since then, I've only had laptops for personal use. I bought a Logitech K380 Bluetooth keyboard a few years ago when I tried using a tablet as a productivity device with Samsung DEX. That experiment didn't last long (I'm too much of a nerd/power user), but I use it now with my Thinkpad every day whenever I'm home. It's a great little keyboard, but I don't think it counts as a proper keyboard considering it's small and low-profile.
I've been window shopping mechanical keyboards for a couple months now. I've always wanted to try one out since I got back into PCs and tech. Considering the fact that I'm gonna be moving to a new country next year, though, it's kind of silly to invest in stuff like that right now.
Still, I couldn't shake the nagging feeling in my head, and I was dying to try out a full keyboard, even a cheap one. So when I saw this keyboard going for three bucks I snatched it up, and I'm really glad I did. Not because I like it, but because I don't like it.
After the novelty of having "clicky" buttons again wore off, I found that I didn't enjoy the experience. I'm sure it's due to a mix of things. My current desk is really tiny and not very ergonomic. Typing on a super small, low-profile keyboard for years has probably changed my perspective too.
I just found the keyboard clunky and uncomfortable, and it's made me second guess my impulses to jump into mechanical keyboards. Maybe if I can find some low-profile keycaps or something. I've got a lot of time to do research, at least. If anybody has any recs, feel free to shoot me an e-mail!
The moral of the story? More isn't always better. But I guess it takes indulgent excess sometimes to realize that what you have is enough; maybe we only arrive at material contentment after fielding every other alternative.
Here's a pic of the Dell keyboard, and then a picture of my Logitech K380 for comparison:
Lattes and Libraries
After Goodwill, I hit up a local cafe for an iced latte (always decaf with oat milk) (I'm vegan btw).13 I usually get hazelnut, but decided to switch it up and try toffee. It was alright, I guess; nothing beats hazelnut for me, so I'll probably get it again next time.
Grabbing a coffee has become a nice ritual for myself.14 I always get one before going to the library, and I try to go to the library at least once a week. It's my safe space. I find it so quiet and relaxing. I can lock in and write or code for hours. I do that at home, too, but it's different in the library where I'm less prone to distractions. It feels more productive and purposeful.
I sat down and did a lot of coding for this website. I can't remember what it was that day. Probably more Astro troubleshooting bullshit (I say endearingly)—most likely for this blog you're reading now!
Once I got burnt out coding, I spent some time writing up my first blog post. After awhile I started feeling antsy and cooped up and just lost focus.
I realized that I'd just been shuttling myself between work and home for the past few weeks. Excluding excursions to Walmart and Krogers,15 I've either been holed up indoors sitting at my computer, or running around at work which is also indoors, at a shitty fast food joint.
I couldn't remember the last time I'd been out to the woods. At least a couple months. July and August were super hot and rainy this year—not conducive to hiking through the woods. But the temps have been cooling down recently (we're projected to get nighttime lows in the high 50s, even; so glad we're out el nino and into la nina), so I decided it was worth it to get out and touch some grass.
The Forest
I stopped off at my place to dump my laptop etc, and switched out my backpack for my crossbody bag16 before heading off.
There's a sprawling, protected wooded area outside of my town, which you can enter from various trailheads. I normally go to the trailhead on the edge of town. Preceded by a huge flat field, an opening in its tall treeline leads directly to a winding creek straddled by a level forest floor. The surrounding land slopes up into higher-elevated trails, but if you stick around the creek it makes for an easy and quick sojourn.
I first started going to this trail with one of my friends from high school, who was my roommate for about three years in my first apartment. We went in the autumn to go "creek stomping" as she called it; I bought tall rainboots from Walmart specifically for the occasion.
Since then, I've frequented the trail a lot. If you follow the creek you'll find a sturdy lean-to made out of tree branches. I don't know if it's still up anymore. It had a small "hook" (really just a protrusion in a nearby tree) to hang stuff up on, and a tree trunk to act as a chair. I don't know who made it, whether it was some outdoorsy people having fun, or if it acted as someone's actual shelter from the elements. I've also found some cool animal bones before, including what appeared to be a femur bone as well as a small, broken-off portion of a deer antler.
I brought my digicam with me and took some pictures. I hate using Automatic mode; I put everything in Manual mode and adjust the ISO and shutter speed as I go along.
The pictures turned out a lot darker than they had appeared on my camera screen. Oh well! Part of the fun of using a digicam is figuring out its quirks and working around them. As an aspiring lomo photographer, I try not to get hung up on the little details.
I originally thought these pictures didn't turn out that great, but after some editing to bring out colors and contrast I like them a lot more. Just goes to show the power of controlling different substrates within a photograph. It's not too different from drawing or painting; just lights and darks and saturation.
Here are the photos17 I decided to keep and share:
Start of the trailhead, looking back at the field I mentioned.
A view of the creek, looking down. I haven't seen the water that high in a minute!
A look further down the trail; I liked how the sunlight played on the trees
Some sunlight filtering in and spilling across the creek.
More sun, shadows.
I enjoyed how the light clung to the surface of the water. Also, lotsa rocks.
The surrounding brush made for a good framing device.
Zeroing in on the sunlight. Not happy with how blue this turned out, but with the amount and depth of shadows it was difficult to strike a balance whilst retaining contrast between the light and the surface of the creek.
Flowers! And my favorite color, no less.
As a Zillenial, I was legally required to take this picture. IYKYK.
Broody, Sasuke Uchiha-looking ass selfie.
...Aaaaaand the outtake lol.
Thoughts on Tara, Amidst the Trees
(Unsure whether I'll keep up with this pun/alliteration title format moving forward. Knowing me, I probably will.)
After taking pictures, I found a tree root and sat down to read for a little while.
I'm currently reading a book given to me by my friend, Erik, entitled Tara: The Feminine Divine by Bokar Rinpoche, and I'm really enjoying it.
The book in question; the bracelets I'm wearing are an ohm wrist mala from TNP and a Liberation bracelet from the Garchen Buddhist Institute; the latter was gifted to me by Erik along with the book.
An insert that came with the book, which I'm using as a bookmark.
Tara is a deity found primarily within Tibetan Buddhism. She is a Buddha who takes on a bodhisattva-samboghakaya form.
A bodhisattva is a being who has a myriad of spiritual accomplishments under their belt, nearly up to the point of Englightentment itself, and thus can take a host of subtle (AKA non-physical) bodies and forms across various worlds and realms. They often act as attendants to different Buddhas. The closest equivalent in Western religion would be an "angel" I guess, but bodhisattvas aren't made by anyone like angels are made by God. It's just a result of practice. Maybe it would be more apt to think of them as, like, first-string players in professional sports lol.
The samboghakaya is one of three forms within the Trikaya, which is the three forms a Buddha can take. The dharmakaya is the dharma itself, as it permeates absolute reality; the samboghakaya is an "enjoyment" body that has special powers and abilities; the nirmanakaya is a "manifestation" body that takes on the form of an ordinary being, an example of which would be Shakyamuni Buddha, the Buddha who actually lived here on Earth in ancient India/Nepal.
I first got into Tara practice thanks to my favorite dharma teacher, Venerable Robina Courtin. After watching her videos on basic Mahayana teachings (I have this video on my links page, which I highly recommend), I explored more of her content and found a ton of meditations and teachings about Tara, with whom she has a devotional practice.
Tara is a deity of action, courage, and results. She is also known as a protector and liberator. One of the most interesting things about her was her vow to always reincarnate as a woman.
It's said that before practicing the dharma she was a princess. Monks told her that she should aspire to be reborn as a male, as it is easier for men to practice (due to less discrimination, not being required to raise children and keep a household, etc). Tara made the observation that there aren't as many women as men practicing the dharma, and vowed that she would always manifest in the female form.
The way I interpret this story is that Tara's attachment18 to the female gender was an expression of her enlightened compassion. She knew that ordinary beings would continue to manifest and generate concepts such as gender identity and gender roles; and that as long as there existed a male/female gender binary, women would be in need of a deity and role model with whom they could relate to.
This dedication and sense of belonging to a certain gender against conventional wisdom certainly resonated with me as a trans man. I hope to do some research and try to find other instances of "gender dharma" as I like to call it.
I think Buddhism has a huge capacity for trans people, experiences, and stories; after all, the first trans man to undergo phalloplasty later went on to ordain as a novice Gelug19 monk. Although he initially struggled to find a monastery and teacher, he eventually found a sangha that accepted him as a man. To see more on his incredible story, you can read this article.
I could go into more, but that would require a whole separate post. I plan on writing about my Buddhist practice, and the devotional practices therein, sometime in the future. All you really need to know right now is that Tara is really nice and cool and a total badass! I've certainly found her practice to be energizing and fruitful.
In the spirit of Tara's practice, I'll close out this post with a beautiful rendition of her mantra by Ani Choying Drolma:
I'm now up to at least a couple hundred nembutsu recitations per day; most long malas have 108 beads.↩
I feel like every spiritual person these days goes through a New Age phase, lol. Mine coincided with my stoner phase, and I once attended a class on sage cleansing. I had bought the tigers eye then. I still think it's really pretty and yellow is my favorite color, so I enjoy having it around.↩
After an exhaustive period of trial and error, I've deduced that the best white t-shirts IMO are Comfort Colors G1717 tees; I buy them in the "Ivory" color.↩
My feet are so small that I sometimes buy kids' sizes. My Teva sandals are a size 4 lmfao. It looks like the style I have was discontinued; this is the closest I could find.↩
I've been severely underweight almost my entire life. (For a time during my teens, you could see and count each vertebrae of my spine.) On top of that, in late 2023/early 2024 I lost 20 pounds while dealing with my then-undiagnosed chronic illness. Now I weigh the most I ever have, and (dysphoria notwithstanding) I'm really happy with myself and my body in a way that I've never experienced before!↩
Inspired by petrapixel's fun selfie on her homepage; edited in Pix, cut out in Krita with my Huion Kamvas 13 while testing out the Huion Linux driver on Mint (it worked!).↩
Talking about "The Family ComputerTM" is definitely a sign of my age nowadays, lol. I was given the XP computer because my parents had upgraded to a Dell Inspiron 530 that shipped with Windows Vista. I can't remember what model or brand the XP computer was.↩
It's super cute, actually. And, now that I think about it, probably another unknown trans sign lol. The show follows a bunch of kids who have these little alter ego chibis called Guardians that represent different parts of their personalities (and also hatch from magic eggs, just roll with it). With magical-girl-esque shenanigans they can harness the power of these Guardians and transform into cool, themed getups that offer different abilities. I mean, this is a tagline straight from the wiki: "All kids holds an egg in their soul, the egg of our hearts, our would-be selves, yet unseen." It's easy to see how the concept would appeal to a trans kid. If what wasn't enough, one of the characters, Nadeshiko (♀)/Naghishiko (♂), is actually a cross-dresser with a whole gender-focused plotline, and has two Guardians—one male, one female. Anyway—I'm part of the fanlisting!↩
I can't remember the exact model; pretty sure it was an Inspiron series. It had a silver body and matte green rubber lid. The keyboard and body were almost identical to this Inspiron 6400 I found listed on eBay.↩
It's the new "I use Arch, btw" but a different flavor of lame.↩
Which I never thought I'd be able to have again! When I got diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis in 2023, coffee was one of my huge triggers. I didn't start drinking it again until this past April. I still haven't tried caffeine, but after going years without it I don't actually like how it makes me feel anymore. I've pretty much detoxed my entire body of caffeine so now it just makes me tweak out in a bad way.↩
Technically it's just "Kroger" but a lot of people where I live colloquially refers to it as "Krogers"; whether that is a plural or possessive S is open to interpretation.↩
I have a nigh-autistic fixation on backpacks, bags, etc, so one day I'll write a post up on my collection and previous bags. See r/ManyBaggers to get an idea of what I mean.↩
Also edited in Pix; I start with the default "Desert" filter, then apply 2 custom level curve presets, and finish by fine-tuning gamma, brightness, contrast, RGB/CMY, etc.↩
Look up "attachment Buddhism" and you'll get a host of search results. Attachment is one of the most fundamental concepts in the dharma, but it's also one of the most misunderstood, especially by Westerners who take the Buddha's teachings on "non-attachment" to mean emotional disassociation. The original Sanskrit (Upādāna) can also be translated as "fuel", which I find to be much more illustrative and closer to the truth. Our "attachments" to concepts, unhealthy emotions, ego, material wealth, etc, act as fuel for our delusions, misunderstandings, and ultimately our own suffering.↩
Gelug is one of the four main branches of Tibetan Buddhism; Venerable Robina Courtin is also part of the Gelug sect.↩
Plot Recap
Initial Thoughts
Conclusion
