wooden deer

as someone who spent her youth hating herself, trying to describe my 3 qualities at a fun outdoor ice breaker activities in front of people feels like a public humiliation. i could feel the imaginary gun pointing at my forehead.

i used to think that self-love was a narcisstic thing. but the older i get, the more i get tired of hating myself. i realized that hating myself means that it’s a way to let other people to treat me like a doormat. one year before i turned 30, something snapped inside of me.

“i can’t live like this forever.”

part 1: from the outside

when i was younger, i didn’t care much about fashion. i rather spent my money for something else. i usually only wear what i feel comfortable to me even though it looks bland or boring. plain hoodie and t-shirt are just enough. that was what i think ‘self-love’ to me: i prioritize my own comfort above impressions. but then i realized that it was not a self-love at all, instead, that was a self-neglect.

“but you shouldn’t let people’s judgement getting into your head, that’s defeating the act of self-love!”

it’s true to some extent, but i realize that with that way, i am once again letting other people think lowly of me. i can’t be all “I CAN WEAR WHATEVER I WANT, F*CK YOU” while deep inside i don’t even care about myself. i know it’s kind of confusing (believe me, i do too), but if i think of it deeply, that is not a self-love.

slowly but surely, i try to take care of my appearance and look little by little. i saved outfit inspirations i found and tried to figure out which style look good on me the best. i try to dress more nicely whenever i go outside as often as possible, with or without friends, instead of keeping my best outfit only for special occassions.

part 2: from the inside

one time i realized that ‘people-pleasing’ is another form of self-hatred and neglect. sure, you want other people think nicely of you, who doesn’t? but it’s not a self-love when you abandon yourself in the process.

what do you abandon when you’re being a people-pleaser? self-respect.

when i was a cronic people-pleaser, setting my boundaries was one of the hardest thing to do. i let people who i thought were my friends and people i loved treated me like an emotional dumpster because i kept putting aside my own feelings, because i was afraid to be seen as selfish. those patience and tolerance of other people’s treatment, that i thought was my way to show compassion, turned into a grudge and resentment in the end.

once i got older, i got tired of own decisions and myself. i’m just a human with limited patience. i ain’t a saint nor the chosen being. i shouldn’t endure these bullshit that only cause me long-term mental health problem. who cares if i seem selfish to the people who don’t even care about my feelings.

these are still my starting steps. it’s still kinda hard to balance everything, especially when i have clinical depression. but i hope i could escape from this cycle of self-hatred and self-abandonment that shaped me since i was a kid for almost 30 years. i want to believe that our 30s is where you should life to the fullest, it’s not supposed to be something shameful because ageism wants you to believe that. ageing is a part of being human after all. you still grow and still alowed to be happy even after your 20s.

i kinda feel guilty not planning what i want to write for my blog at the moment because i’ve been journaling on physical journal book more. aside that it lets my eyes to rest from staring at computer screen, it prevents me from oversharing to strangers as well (lol).

i am an overthinker person and i feel like i could write down a lot of things in my mind (as i should), but seems like a day-to-day daily journal is just not for me. my daily life is quite boring (and frustrating, if worse) even when i touch grass. i do the new fun stuff only occassionally. i’m not a traveler person as well.

though, my mind tend to wanders somewhere else. i learned that i could start a self-reflection or spiritual journal. i can turn the negativities in my mind into something i can learn and improve myself from. i’ve been writing the journal for almost a month and i feel like i can feel the impact to my mental health

i want to write a lot until i continue to a new journal book.

every new year, i always set my expectation low because i hate constantly being disappointed, especially since the past 5-6 years because it feels like things going downhill ever since 2020. but thinking about it will only make me go spiral and i hate the feeling so much, so i won’t talk about it further.

i don’t have the intention to make my big goals come true this year. it may sound pessimistic, but it’s more like i just want to walk slowly instead of sprint-running to chase my dreams now. i feel like i am physically and mentally aren’t built strong enough like hardworking-people around me, where they clearly have the mindset, supports and environment that i don’t have. i just want to keep my own pace now with what i have.

my only goal for this year is to keep my remaining sanity intact. but by keeping my sanity means i have to work it out:

• eat healthier
• exercise more
• avoid doomscrolling
• touch more grasses
• and many more, finding new things to do

instead of goals, i made to-do list like above. it’s something i can do on my own pace without feeling pressured like big goals do, such as, work for a big company, buy a house, saving up 1 trillion dollar, or something like that. i was never meant to do big things. being an npc in everyone’s live just suits me more.

i typed down all of this not in a self-deprecating way. i feel like knowing my limit is another way to love and accept myself. i have to forgive myself for being stupid. i have to forgive myself because i’m not strong enough to reach my goals. i have to forgive myself more for not being my own expectation. i have to forgive myself for being who i am.

it’s been a week! there are a lot of things happening but i’ll write down the highlights of them!

• i started a new physical journal! rather than writing about daily day-to-day experiences, i decided to start a spiritual journal. i wrote down my self-discovery, musings, and reflections. surprisingly it is much more fun than writing a regular daily life journal and there are a lot of things i wanna write more. it is a nice outlet for my overthinker self.
• because of health reason, i decided to cut out flour from my diet completely starting from now on. so bye bye to my most of my favorite foods and snacks (╥_╥) no more yummy breads, biscuits, and cereals. i will eat healthier and safe my money from ordering food online. i should exercise more often too… i can’t let my depression as an excuse to live sluggishly! ( •̀ – •́ )
• i bought a new phone! yippeeee! ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )
• after taking a long break from twitter, unsurprisingly my mood have improved significantly

2 days before that, i had a painful headache caused by either sun heatwave, side effect of my monthly period, or the strong smell of anti-insect toilet balls, or all three of those, it was hell. i was sweating all day and tried to rest by sleeping all day in an air-conditioned room. i woke up with my head feeling lighter and better. no more headache.

the next day, i went to a cinema with my friend. we picked ghost in the shell. it was our first time watching that movie, eventhough both of us acknowledge that movie since long time ago but never got to watch it at all. all i know it’s a very critically acclaimed movie in their era, and is still a timeless classic along the other japanese animation movies.

to be honest, the story is a bit confusing to me. i feel like i have to pay extra attention to the dialogue to understand what’s going on, but the subtitles moved so fast. since it’s an adaptation from a manga, i assumed that some parts from the original manga story were skipped for the movie.

but it was a quiet enjoyable movie regardless. i’m always amazed when old futuristic movies predicted something that happened in the present day. it’s kind of scary. it feels like a message to prevent that to be a reality when technology get even more advanced.

while i understand the reason, i’m relieved that japan is being less gatekeep-y with their entertainment industry lately. some things like movies, mangas and songs that used to be heavily regional-locked are more accessible now, and can be enjoyed by people around the world legally.

after watching the movie, my friend and i had ramen for dinner . then we went window-shopping for cute trinkets and stationaries. we’re planning to do journaling together next time.

yesterday was fun! (๑>◡<๑)

in the past months (maybe since october, i’m not sure), i had dreams about on a road trip several times, more than i usually have.

it’s not the relaxing kind of dream, at least what i feel when i remember it. those dreams about road trip made me feel uneasy, but i can’t call it nightmare either. probably it’s just how i feel about the unknown. those dreams are not the fun kind of dreams. not dreams where i leisurely sunbathe on the beach, or posing in front of eiffel tower, or anything like what travel agencies offer to you.

on one of those road trip dreams, i was being dropped on the empty roadside at midnight. it’s dark, empty, and no one was there but the blinding lights of street lamps. on the other dreams, i stayed at some 2-stars small hotels with their weirdly gloomy air. no breakfast buffet and air conditioner. the mold on the ceiling watching you as you sleep. if i get a dream where i stayed at a 3-stars hotel, i consider it as lucky.

i don’t really believe much on “dreams are prophecy” anymore, but i do believe they’re projections of my mental states at the moment. despite how badly i am for wanting to move away, i get a mild homesickness whenever i’m in a faraway places. i’m not really comfortable to be in places i’m not familiar with, even though i will manage to adapt.

i think that’s what i feel as the year slowly shifting to a new one. i want to keep moving forward even though i’m still unsure with what i should do to reach my destination faster. but uncertainity on the road i am walk through still scares me. i am still plagued by hesitation.

the conclusion of all of this is, i am scared of the future. i am trying to do my best of what i can do at the moment. i am still scared that all my hardwork would meant nothing in the end.

but who knows. life is always full of surprise. not saying this in an optimistic tone. it’s so tiring to be anxious about things that haven’t happened yet.

my home wi-fi have been losing its connection since yesterday. turning off the router and restarting and repeat but still doesn’t solve the problem. i decided that maybe i need the customer care’s repairman’s help. could be caused by recent rainstorms or neighbor’s cat stepped on the cable outside, i dunno.

i can’t waste my monthly phone internet data for thetering either. the hardest part without internet is i need my specific spotify playlist on repeat or someone yapping on the background so my brain can function at work (T_T)

i should visit a cafe or a workspace with internet hotspot, but my room is just the comfiest place for working. i can’t really relate with people who can comfortably sit and do their works, homework or any kind of assignment at the cafe. it’s either the crowd noises that gives me overstimulation and my anxiety to leave my stuff at the table if i need bathroom break. cafes are comfortable for me only when i just want to chill and relax.

despite all the bad luck in the past days, i don’t really feel depressed about it that much. social media detoxing truly do wonder to my brain, it seems. i want to update this website with some stuff too! i just recently approved into more fanlistings (^7^) i will add the buttons onto my list asap once my wi-fi router get fixed.

i have missed my monthly appointment schedule with my therapist because i’ve been feeling unwell in the past two days. as much as i love rainy weather, rainy season have started to affect my health, it seems… (𖦹﹏𖦹;)

the night before yesterday i felt nauseous so i went to sleep earlier. then the next morning i woke up with body joint pains and dizziness. on top of that i had sniffles and occassional sneezes. i showered with hot water and smeared menthol oil all over my body hoping it’ll make me feel better.

today, my bloating and acid reflux relapsed. i had tummy ache and i fought for my life in the rest room. though, after all of the pain i went through, i felt a better after that. the whole day was an emotion roller coaster, so i made curry rice for dinner as a little celebratory.

aside the weather, i think my pms had something to do with it as well. i mostly get sick during that monthly painful phase. sometimes my pms feels more painful than my period week. _(´ཀ`」 ∠)_

not only eating healthier, maybe i need additional supplement for my immune system. ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

today i went outside for my daily morning walk, but there was something different that morning: the fog was thicker than usual. it was a kind of fog that commonly seen at the mountain area (my place is not a mountain area). it felt nice and calming to walk through it. i can’t imagine how happy i would be if i lived in a place where thick fog like that is a normal everyday thing.

today i spent the whole day revamped the whole homepage! new layout and decorated some pages with cute pixel images from these cute web material websites! please check them out!! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

some updates i made:

• about page: more horizontal columns = less long scrolling.
• drawings page: more separated pages and columns for less long scrolling. some descriptions about my drawing journey each year.
• diary page: starting a new fresh, more optimistic writing. blog-like layout with sidebar and stuff.
• links page: more columns and more organized. added descriptions on some links.

new year is also near! hopefully i can be more motivated to update my homepage in the future.