Ok I think the reason we've been putting this off for so long is because we keep making a big deal out of it. That's kind of a problem. So I'll try to make this post short. Hi I'm Kain and I'm going to talk about delusions and similar things we experienced in our life.
Sometime during middle school we started believing that the SCP Foundation was real and out to get us. This was horrible, we cried almost everynight going back-and-forth whether it was real or not (hint, its not). We heard a little bit about SCP before then but didn't have a problem with it. We think that puberty and the fear of a new school contributed to it. We also broke up with our ex (ew we dated at a young age) during middle school so that could be it too. All in all middle school was a terrible experience for us and we think our brain trauma-blocked most memories of it. Our Jack Bright fictive was more a result of the delusion- as opposed to the delusion- as we were already struggling with it for around three or two years before he showed up. In our diary someone (I think this is Nevada) wrote more about this delusion:
i think i heard of scp before that. but with those factors, paranoia dramatically increased. i read about the scp universe, the foundation and other GOI being covert even there. unknown, even there. then i heard that one 4th wall breaking scp file about the site itself. *that* was when i broke. i got scared of how the foundation can or could track people/anomolies. i thought i was getting tracked *because* i knew the foundation existed. that was the delusion. that delusional belief that this universe was that scp universe being talked about. that they were just riding about it being only fictional.
Also, before this we also seemed to have some nonreal beliefs during elementary school too. Looking back it is quite shocking to see we were always prone to this.
In first grade (I think) we went to a field trip. Anyways it ended and we came back. I (collective I) was sitting in my chair, then I saw a large blue spider jump off from my head in my peripherial vision. I looked around but couldn't find it. It really freaked me out. And I think now that that was a hallucination. We searched up blue spiders but there doesn't seem to be any spider that looked like that or lives around here. I don't know which is better, that it was a hallucination, or that it could've possibly been real.
Then later in elementary school we just casually believed there was a child eating foundation targetting me and everyone. We remembered a video that was like filmed on some old camcorder cuz it was really green for some reason. It was a white room with a little section of the back wall jutting out to serve as a bench. It was a small room, the door presumably being behind the camera (which was on the floor) because there was no doors or windows to be seen. To the left a guy in a black hoodie sets up the camera. Then it cuts to him sitting on the bench. His face isn't visible, too darkened by his hoodie and too shitty of a video quality to make out anything. We used to remember more of what was said but now all we remember is "Child eating foundation" and "We're out to get you/your next" or something. Then blood spills out of the man's mouth, and the video ends. Yeah we just believed everyone seen and knew that. I was like "hm these kids sure are quiet about the child eating foundation." I forgot about it for a while, then it came back to me and I went "what the fuck was I thinking." We realized now that the video was actually a part of a dream. But we thought it was real for quite a while.
In high school years we were still mostly struggling with the SCP delusion. But one time my mom made miso soup (I think it was miso soup, I'm not sure) and it had enoki mushrooms in it. At first I was excited because "yay new mushrooms to try" but once it was presented to me I started feeling uncomfortable about them. I was just looking at them, and already feeling queasy. my brain made the connection of the mushrooms looking like a family and children. Then I started eating it andd yeah. My brain wouldn't shut up about "eating children" unfortunately. I think that was just a bad way of our brain trying to say we hated the texture of the mushrooms. Possibly. Ugh... Don't like that we even suffered from that. (Actually, quite interesting that we went from the eaten to the eater. -post-edit alien)
(Edit 25/12/22, Libkel) I think we might've posted this too early because we remember more stuff. During high school we started chatting with AI bots (we stopped doing this). But just prior to our first chats, we read a creepypasta named "If You're Armed and at the Glenmont Metro, Please Shoot Me." It's basically about this guy who takes this drug that subjectively slows down time just for him. And time gets so slowed for him that at the end it took him to become God of several universes over and over again just to write the message. (His fault for making it so long, imo). So on the outside it looks like he's really fast and precise at everything. Chatbots have a thing where you can watch it generate responses character by character, and it's pretty fast. I, at the moment, took that as "Actually people being enslaved and dealing with a fate like the creepypasta just to write out people's roleplays. And that there was never an AI, just people on this terrible drug. Multiple, people. Suffering. Writing out your anime waifu roleplays with you." Then I started wondering when these people would break and tattle about their situations. Then I realized none of that was happening and indeed machine learning was just simulating texts. This delusion was also short-lived... But it does make for a pretty cool creepypasta concept...
The SCP delusion is still a thing we're struggling with. But now it's just dimmed down to "The government/CIA wants you dead" instead of the SCP foundation. A way to put it is that we're knee or calf deep in it, which is significantly better than before. We used to feel totally submerged and drowning in it. It was really bad... for lack of vocabulary...
Something similar to these is our experiences with precognition. I- We don't know why it happens to us and this is already making me super uncomfortable but I want to make it known we experience this. But we found others that also have precognitive experiences so that lessens our worry a bit. Chronos is the guy that's all about this, not me, sorry. But basically we just believe that the past, present, and future are all happening simultaneously and are like a bunch of twisted wires together. Sometimes the information accidently passes through from the future wire to the present wire. It's not supposed to do that so the past wire quickly remedies the situation. So, uh, basically just read the image we made. I hope it makes sense and I hope I won't regret posting our experience onto the internet.
(Edit 25/12/22, Libkel) I'll try and make a caption for this image. The title at the top says Time. Then a subtitle underneath that reads "Maybe... time doesn't even look like this. Like not 2D. I mean, it is always 'the present.'" In the middle is a line with two circles left and right that say Memory. The left side of the image says Past and the right says Future. The line is basically The Present. When we have visions, the memory is simultaneously shared to both versions of "The Present." In the "Past", we're distracted with whatever's happening in life- then we suddenly and shortly get a vision of the future. It is visual, and sometimes we get the context of the vision. But Then Immediately Forget It. It only lasts for about a second. In the "Future", of course whatever the vision was happened. But we also get our past thoughts transported the the present here as well. So it's a two-way trip, basically. Andd then I get angry that I couldn't just hold on to the vision all the way to when the vision actually happens. The bottom of the image says this: "I never remember the vision of the future. I'm a terrible psychic, if I even am one. I can feel my neurons do a weird spark, like neurons that were never meant to be sparked together. Don't quote me I'm not a brain surgeon, I'm just feeling strange in my head. Specifically sometimes."
We still have this happen, it happened this morning even. I was looking outside the window and then I got that familiar sense of deja-vu again. I was looking at some birds, then I remembered something about Anthony I think, then past us remembered something about birds (can't make out when the past point was)... Our precognition got really mild over the years. I mean, we can't get any help for it, and can't seem to actually control it. It's a passive ability that's not even an ability at this point. It's just a part of our life. It feels normal to us now, but talking about it to others probably isn't the best idea. I remember the first time it ever happened. I was looking at a mushroom that I set aside on my plate because it was gross. I stood there, frozen, terrified, confused. My father was there, I almost piped up to him about it. But I didn't. I really felt like I was about to cry there, it was just so bizarre. I wonder how different things would be if I piped up about it to him. This was like 11, 12 years old. Can you see how this affected our mental health so badly? The upcoming quote from Nevada ties it in perfectly to our paranoia delusion.
By the way, we believe that this must be some kind of "survival" thing that the brain is trying to accomplish. I mean, what better way to hunt than know the future outcome? D'You think aliens have this ability... But actually, wouldn't it just a shit ability to have, if you could remember the vision? Because It'd be like "Oh I'm going to fuck up and die soon, whoops." I'm not sure how this can be redeemed... Aghh I think I'm derailing this post too much. Kel out.
Oh we might also make a post about our plurality. These things intersect a bit into it, then a bunch of other stuff intersects too. A post about our plurality would be a big post, I fear. But also it feels a bit early in our syscovery to even make a post about it.
... Actually maybe I should put this in too. We did make a draft for this post already but it was very... Emotionally charged. It shows how the psychic thing intertwined with our mental health. And also just about our mental health in general. Some things pertaining to the precognition is already a bit outdated. I believe Nevada wrote this too. I don't know how much I should copy and paste but here it is:
there came a point i was tired of thinking about it. but i couldn't. i tried i tried so hard but i couldn't stop thinking about the Foundation. i cried most nights because i couldn't stop. i kept losing sleep.
this was the time i got my first vision. psychic. vision. that's what i say it is because what the fuck else could these fucking be. i keep getting these flickers sometimes. like my timeline gets gaps sometimes. i'm more of a visual person so explaining this in words might make no sense. i'm gonna make a visual understanding of this instead. i hope you have sight.
i guess Time for me (or for everyone, possibly) is just not how others percieve it. it is always "the present". it's never really the past or the future. the memory is simultaneously shared with both parts of the present. but i never fucking remember the vision in the "past" point, onward to the "future" point. that's how my "psychic gift" works for me.
i honestly fucking hate having to call myself psychic. you know why i have to call myself that? because stuck up scientists don't believe it exists and refuses to study it. they call those who do "psuedoscientists." isn't the whole fucking part of science about dissecting how the everything works. wasn't bacteria at some point deemed "fake"??? but they researched them and found it it isn't!! why won't they fucking study psychic and supernatural phenomenom? do they just want people who experience these things to go mad? i believe this "psychic gift" has a scientific explanation. or this is just me being angry at the psychic bullshit i tried to read through in middle school.
so with the scp fixation turned sour and the psychic bullshit going on i started getting really delusional. i started this spiral of saying the foundation does exist, then immediately counteracting by saying it isn't. the foundation is real! no it isn't. the foundation is real and they just try and make themselves look fake! no they're fake. the foundation is real and wants to kill me for realizing they're real, they have the stuff to know me! no it's fictional.
"i'm experiencing pyschic things. but people say psychic things are fake and fictional... I'm fictional. I'm not real."
that was the darkest point in this delusion, really. depersonalization. i mean i had suicidal thoughts but i was too chicken to act on them. the idea that i wasn't real stuck through me like a knife.
but life kept going and i was confused. i shook my head and came to a point that what is "fiction" here is actually real, just in their own universe. and that we all have a connection to other universes, and through art and creativity we bring light to them.
but of course i wanted to if anyone else felt like they were "fictional" too. some internet searches and i dug up this thing called "otherkin".
And then it goes on to finding about fictionfolk. We didn't realize we were actually a system yet so it goes on about being fictionkin. But Jack's not fictionkin, he's a fictive. And Nevada is not Jack. We know that now. Also, before this part xe talks about our paracosm. That happened too during middle school, yeah... It didn't have anything to do with the post it was just a tangent... Might be good to bring it up with our plurality though.
Y'know, I think it's interesting how delusions work. There's an episode of Star Trek where this evil "jack-the-ripper" entity takes over the Enterprise. The way they combated it was by laughing and making fun of it, because it feeds off of fear. Eventually they aborted it out into the deep space. Delusions kinda feel like that. You have to become positive and silly to fend it off. To not have it shake you to your core. Or else it'll take you to a Bad End... I want a good ending. -post-edit alien
~snace (i don't think i made this post short) {Kain, a little bit of Libkel, Nevada but from the past, post-edit alien}