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and just like that, you’re gone

quiet
final,
and empty.

4 May 2026, Monday
10:14 PM

It was a beautiful evening today. Breezy, with pink skies.

I stepped out of the office smiling, genuinely, fully smiling.

The morning had been anxious. Black coffee on an empty stomach probably didn’t help. I’ve been a little on edge these past few days. The boundary I’ve drawn, the not reaching out, the sitting with it. It’s the right thing to do. I know it is. And perhaps it’s okay to feel sad after doing the right thing.

But the sky was pink. And I got to eat a beautiful chocolate cupcake.

That’s all. Just noting down this moment here.

*song playing in the background*

coffee,
almond milk, ice,
a metal straw in a ceramic cup

the soft clink
of metal against ice,

it made me pause.

and for a moment
I think I was content

*song playing in the background*

It feels like I’m breaking.
My body is breaking.

I’m surprised at how many times I’ve managed to get injured in just a month.

Wrist.
Knee.
And now my back.

I could cry.
I’m so tired.

The only thing that gave me respite—movement—now adds to the pain. Like my body is asking me to stop, in ways I can’t ignore anymore.

I just hope everything heals.
Quickly.

P.S. I slept peacefully today for the first time in a while. For that, I’m grateful.


*song playing in the background*

So, I told them about you. The story started simply enough—I had my first heartbreak.

It’s strange how your absence made room for your introduction.

I found myself gushing about you, well, until I reached the part where the reality broke through.

It all feels distant now. Like something that happened in another life.

And still, even now, I find myself protecting you. Protecting what you were to me. The goodness you held, and the goodness I experienced. The version of you that existed in that space, in that time.

You don’t seem real anymore.

I remember telling you that, once. Maybe some part of me already knew. Maybe I was naming a truth I wasn’t ready to accept.

And yet I’m grateful. Grateful for experiencing (a broken form of) love. For feeling grief so deeply.

Someone once asked me, is the you in your writings an active presence?

You’re not real anymore. But what you once were still is.

*song playing in the background*

I woke up with swollen eyes today.

Last night was one of those nights.
Grief hit me like a bus.

I was talking about you to a friend yesterday, and they said that your path is different from mine now. That statement broke my heart all over again, haha.
But my little heart is stronger now. Tender, but stronger.

I think I’m scared of falling again. Of feeling this deeply.

Not a single day went by that I did not think of you. It’s hard—choosing to do the right thing, even when it hurts this much.

I’m tired.
Grieving for you.

I no longer wish for our paths to cross in the next life.

I held a boundary successfully today. And it was freeing.

I didn’t succumb to carrying the burden of another person’s miscalculation.

Strangely, my thoughts went to you. To all the times I did the emotional labour when I could have simply stepped back and let things be. And not carry the burdens that were never mine to carry.

I feel at peace.

Maybe I had to go through the terrible things to learn the art of containment. To learn the art of drawing boundaries that protect me. Not just my heart, but my peace as well.

The world is so chaotic.

Sigh.

I’m just low-key happy that I didn’t let another person’s chaos touch me today.

I saved myself.

When does this grief end?
Hasn’t it been too long now, grieving for you?
I think I’ve endured enough.

I’ve fallen sick. I feel fatigued.

It’s almost funny, the emotional landscape keeps changing.
I’ve decided to stay strong though, and do the right thing.

You no longer seem real.

The only way ahead is through.
It’ll all be over soon. The day grief stops visiting me.

I can’t wait to be on the other side.

Where it’s brighter, warmer and calmer.
Like the summer seaside.

Monday
I had stopped dreaming of you, or so I thought.

After waking up today, I realised I did dream of you. You were there, but my mind assigned no meaning to you. Like a non-player character in the background.

I can’t wait for the spell to break.

Tuesday
Our paths crossed today. I saw you from across the road.
I don’t think you saw me.

Was it even love, if it ended?

I don’t think love is conditional.
Or perhaps this kind of love is. The kind you offered.

Wednesday
An illusion. Maybe that is all it was.

I can’t wait for the spell to break.
The day I feel nothing. Sheer indifference.

I wonder how it would feel if I saw you next to your new muse.

Thursday
Your energy is gone.

I can rest now.
I don’t have to wait for you with bated breath anymore.

Friday
I don’t know how I feel.

Saturday
My thoughts returned to you.

Sunday
I feel tired.
Weary.

This week feels strange.

Hollow, and oddly quiet. And I feel tired, tired of feeling tired.

Your absence offered the one thing your presence never could. Stability. Flat and numbing as it may be.

I think I’ve been facing this head-on. I’ve become stronger and perhaps weaker at the same time. Worn down. This is a fight I have to face on my own. Wading through this sea of emotions. I wish I could logic my way out of it. I did try, though. But the heart is a stupid little fuck.

You know, I’ve stopped dreaming of you. It feels colder.

Yesterday, walking back from the grocery store, I saw a dog basking in a patch of sunlight. I thought I too could do the same. So I went to the terrace and let the sun warm my being.

I love sunlight.