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Christian tradition enjoins us to recall often that we are each fated to die. Cicero and Montaigne consider it the point of philosophy “to learn how to die”. During Advent, I have devoted my daily prayer and meditation to considerations of my own death.
It’s often said that a person radically reconsiders his priorities in light of the thought that his end is immanent. (The assumption being that he then orders them more rightly.) Supposedly, the thought of death is supposed to turn our minds from work and duty to frivolities like “bucket lists”, but that is certainly not the case for me. On my deathbed, I probably won’t care about missing that promotion, but I certainly won’t care about missing that vacation.
Like Pascal, I am exasperated by those who claim not to be interested in a life after this one. On my deathbed, it will certainly matter a great deal to me if I am headed for some altered existence or to complete oblivion. Here is one place where my intuition supports Christianity–in the face of personal extinction, I realize how fake is all this talk of “living on” in other peoples’ memories (I want my family to remember me, but his is certainly not the same as continued existence) or rejoining some great web of life or impersonal universal consciousness. Death reveals to us like nothing else the irreplaceable value of each individual. Each human soul is an entire world in itself. Any consolation that obscures this insight is morally suspect.
Another intuition that supports Christianity is that how we die, the final state of our allegiances, is all-important. From a secular, worldly point of view, this doesn’t make sense. A consistent secularist would, I think, find a life well-lived ending in a brief fit of despair and resentment preferable to a wasted life ending in last-minute repentance. Why should this one moment outweigh all others simple for its being last? Yet we all sense it to be true, a sort of intuition of a final judgment.
Tradition puts great stress on a good death as something we should pray for and prepare for. The Catholic schoolboy in my wonders why this should be so difficult. As long as I go to Confession between my final mortal sin and death, I should be set, right? And what sorts of mortal sins is a bedridden dying man likely to commit? In fact, I now think the spiritual danger in this last hour of testing is immense.
I’ve pointed out some intuitions of death that support Christianity, but others oppose it. In particular, the terror we feel of death, the self-preservation instinct, does not match the assurances of faith. Atheists sometimes say that people believe in an afterlife because of wishful thinking. This may be true, but hope is not the only emotion that guides belief; there is also a tendency to believe what we fear or whatever most vividly captures the imagination. A vivid sense of one’s own death can disturb one’s taken-for-granted confidence in life after death; so it was for Saint Therese of Lisieux and for me.
I can easily imagine a person horrified by his immanent death rationalizing his instinctive fear by deciding that death is extinction and from this that religion itself is a lie. Worse, he realizes how frightfully alone he is in this ultimate calamity, that his death will be the annihilation of his world but of his alone, and he comes to resent and even hate those whom he sees will so callously continue existing after him. This temptation to loneliness and resentment can be seen in Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Ilyich, and we all see in today’s culture how naturally self-pity leads to resentment and hatred. Yes, there is a real danger that a dying man might reject the faith and die cursing those people and things he valued in life. One could say that no man has any incentive to make such an ugly end. However, resentment never makes hedonic sense. Similar to what I’ve said about sexual fantasies, resentment is a sin which brings the sinner no pleasure or advantage, and yet we all indulge in it sometimes.
Those who don’t doubt the bare existence of life after death may still be tempted to despair. It’s said that the dying may be tormented by memories of their sins, may doubt God’s forgiveness and cast away any hope of it. The logical response would be to appeal all the more fervently to God’s mercy, but again we know how little force bare logic has at the moment of crisis.
To die a good death, trusting God and blessing those we leave behind, one calls upon the resources of a prior lifetime of spiritual preparation. I ask myself what thoughts or memories could carry me through this horrifying ordeal, an ordeal that is coming and will happen. I find that the two thoughts “I shall cease to exist” and “I am alone” are coupled to each other in my mind, the connection being intuitive rather than logical. (Belief in an afterlife seems natural to humanity, and I suspect the ability to question it arose historically along with a growing sense of interior world of subjectivity being separate, “cut off from”, the outer world of objects.) And yet I am not alone. While my subjective existence is not fully communicable to other creatures (so what would “live on” in them would be not me, my inner being, but certain effects and impressions of me), God Himself is fully present there, now and up to the moment of my death. Saint Paul insists that Christ has “gone before us”, mostly to assure us that we can share in His death, but also that He is with us in ours. If I truly believe that He is with me, inside me, I find it natural to trust that He will not allow me or whatever good He has done in me to be completely destroyed. Such trust is a divine grace, but its operation is necessarily not totally opaque to us. One might sense it building over a lifetime of prayer. One might draw confidence by looking back upon earlier moments of grace, moments of spiritual consolation or moral clarity when God’s presence had seemed clear and almost tangible. Remembering how He guided me thus far, I might trust that He remains with me and will not abandon me in my last moment.